Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
