and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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