I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
