my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
