I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
