every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
