So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
