I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
