I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
