I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
