We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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