he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
home. puking in laundry basket.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
