Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
