By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I smell like Dick and happiness
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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