It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
