I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
