May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
