It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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