Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Damn victory sex feels great
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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