I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
it's like heaven, but drunker
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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