OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
