I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
you didnt know i had herpes?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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