saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
