Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
