I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
