i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
