My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
