He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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