There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
