Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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