Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
