Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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