I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
