When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
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