I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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