I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
