I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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