I just pynch a tree in the face
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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