My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
