Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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