This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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