I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
