i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
