he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
