my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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