Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
