If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
