the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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