my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
