The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
