im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
