Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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