My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
