Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
