Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Are my feet made of real feet?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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