I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
